Talking about my sessuality

19 Jan

Jelly speaking.

Hey, world, um, yeah, how are you? This is sort of an awkward post to make. It shouldn’t really be, but turns out that talking for the first time about your sexuality to the internets sort of is.

Let’s start with girlllsssss. After all, that’s where the main issue lies, I guess. Society doesn’t really like anything that’s out of the ordinary and being queer or gay or bi or not completely heterosexual is definitely out of the ordinary. (Yes, I am aware there are a whole lot of other ways that one can be ‘out of the ordinary’ but none of them appears to be an option to me at the moment.) I started wondering about that a while ago when I started reading about lesbians in books and on the web, heard some of my closest friends talk about it and generally switched my mind set from “Oh no. That can’t be me. Everyone I know is totally straight.” to “Ha. I could totally do that.”

I mean, I go to a girls’ school and practically everyone I know has a vagina. (Although of course if you don’t have a vagina you can still totally be a lady.) I am surrounded by girls, although not necessarily girl power, and the next natural step, it seemed to me, is to become a lesbian.

After analysing this thought further, I came to the conclusion that maybe I like girls IN THAT WAY for more reasons than they are the only people I know. For me, a bookish, loud and decidedly strange almost 15 year old, girls are my best friends, my buds through everything, and sometimes I can’t really imagine having that kind of easy intimacy with someone who doesn’t know about the woes of periods or bras or cake (although I am pretty sure that everyone likes cake).

And a lot of my friendships turn into something tight and absorbing and so full of worship for one another that I think it could easily turn into a “real” relationship if either of us let it. I have pretty major girl crushes, as you can see. Girl crushes that are actually real crushes and not just “OMG MY FRIEND IS LIKE THE BEST” although it does contain a lot of that. It seems like it could be easier to just go there, into kissing and *ahem* more, then to go through all the judging and, I don’t know, awkwardness, that seems to come with boys. To me the best friendships are kind of like falling in love anyway.

Also, I know how vaginas work and I like boobs.

What do you think? I guess I swing both ways, but girls have a lot of stuff going for them. I DON’T KNOW THESE ARE RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT ME

READ ITTTT

This book is a great graphic novel about Bechdel’s relationship with her father and also her sexuality. Really made me think. Also awesome story and art.

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3 Responses to “Talking about my sessuality”

  1. jemima101 January 19, 2013 at 3:24 pm #

    I think this is why I have come to the conclusion that sexuality is a spectrum, not just a few boxes to tick. It makes total sense to me that when all your close relationships are with girls, then those are the people you will consider sexually attractive. I dont think it says you will end up gay, or straight or bi or even pansexual…which is how I occasionally describe myself.

    The older I get (yup I know I am ancient) the more I conclude that so long as we can be close to others, be happy and have great sexual intimacy too ( assuming thats what we want) then the arrangement of what is in their underwear is really an irrelevence.

    • jellypopblogger March 3, 2013 at 7:20 pm #

      I don’t know about all of this. I am at a very confused stage in my life and lots of things are happening, and although I can imagine myself with anyone as long as I’m happy, I also can’t really imagine any sort of intimacy. I suppose what I am really looking for is someone I can really talk with, which is what the best relationships should be about, but with the added bonus of sex etc. Anyway, thanks for your comment, and it was really scary talking about this for the first time on the internet where everyone can see!

  2. starspangledchaos March 8, 2013 at 11:33 am #

    The great thing about it is you don’t have to know ‘what’ you are. I’m 19 and a student. Until I was 17 and 10 months (how specific) I thought I was straight. Yes, I’d had thoughts about girls like that but I’d never really followed them up. Then my best friend told me she was in love with me and my world turned upside down. I, slowly and incredibly cautiously, explored my feelings and realised I was in love with her too. I didn’t identify as bi straight away (I was straight but it was ‘just her.’) Now 2 years down the line we’ve broken up (although we’re still friends and she’ll always be my first love) and it’s become apparent that it’s not just her. Sexuality is fluid and whatever you feel is absolutely fine. Just follow your instincts and enjoy yourself. PS here’s an article I wrote for my student newspaper on the fluidity of sexuality http://cambridge.tab.co.uk/2013/01/25/dont-call-me-a-lesbian/

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