I’ve got a lot of things to say

5 Mar

Sometimes – a lot of the time – I am angry. I am angry at a lot of things.

I am angry about my almost constant, inexplicable headaches that don’t respond to painkillers and make my vision blurry and painful and my brain slosh in my head.

I am angry about my sister, her bullies and her bullying, her parroting of views taken from people stupider than her and the fact that she just – can’t – get it.

I am often very angry about my parents: my patronising, boring dad with his dysfunctional kingdom of three and my nervous, submissive mum with her backward views and one-track mind.

Angry at people who look at me sideways in the street for what I am wearing, at everyone who has ever told me I am nothing special, at the patriarchy in general and at the group of men that whistled at me when I was walking home in specific, at my friends for not being as angry as me, angry, fucking angry at everything that is wrong and could be better.

Sometimes I sit in my wardrobe and think about this and clench my fists or my voice breaks with it in the middle of a completely unrelated sentence, or I write swear words in Sharpie on my wall because nothing else seems to show it, the absolute fuckery of shit fuck cunt bitch fuckfuckfuck.

The thing is, I am a teenager, and a teenage girl at that, so these sort of feelings are not encouraged. MY reputation as an angsty, worked up melodramatic girl precedes me, especially as I, unlike the rest of my family, restrict my drama to my room and myself. *pointed staring*. My little sister sits on my bed and tells me “not to be a teenager” whenever I stay in my room and listen to loud music, cry, turn up with suspicious scars on my arms and back, swear, get into arguments, wear make-up or strange clothes, express an interest in important political issues or quaint notions such as feminism, or do anything that could possibly let off a bit of steam in this boiling head of mine.

I am 90% sure this is angst. But the thing is, as my uncle so eloquently said, teenage angst doesn’t go away. It just turns into adult angst, which is compounded by problems such as jobs and doing your own laundry and having less time to cry on other people’s shoulders.

It just seems like a waste, really, to lose this, passion, for lack of a better word, that comes with growing up. In my better moments I feel that the fact that I care could be used for something; to change a life, to save the world, to love someone and see it not go to waste. I need to stay angry, otherwise I will be sad.  And I can’t let that happen, can I, nopt when the world is going to pieces.

OKAY I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW EVERYTHING I WRITE TURNS TO ANGST MAYBE IT’S A SUPER POWER OR SOMETHING BUT ENJOY? IF THAT’S THE RIGHT WORD FOR THIS PIECE OF SHIT? I AM QUITE AHEM ANGRY AT THE MOMENT AS YOU CAN SEE AND A LOT OF THINGS APPEAR TO BE SHITTY BUT I FEEL THE ONLY WAY TO STAY ON TOP IS TO TURN WHAT COULD BE A BAD DAY INTO A DAY WORTH HULKING OUT ON

NOT EVEN SURE WHAT I AM SAYING HERE OKAY BYE

JELLY OUT

i love you all

 

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12 Responses to “I’ve got a lot of things to say”

  1. jemima101 March 6, 2013 at 12:24 am #

    Oh i wish I could give you a hug right now, The passion can remain, and hopefully the pain gets worse. Thank you for such a moving honest post.

    • jellypopblogger March 6, 2013 at 7:04 pm #

      thank you! hugs are of course, much appreciated. i just feel a lot of the time that i am literally going to explode and hit my stupid biology teacher in the face, etc etc teenage angst urgh

  2. cathandpavs2013 March 6, 2013 at 7:49 am #

    My heart aches for you. I have just been transported back 30 years to when I was 15 & permanently furious at the world.
    Anger is good and healthy and can fuel you into life changing decisions.
    Teenage ‘angst’ is too often dismissed as just that, but it’s not. It’s real. I can feel your frustration leaping out of every word and I promise you, we are hearing you.
    I’m now 45 and still angry, still ranting and shouting at the world, but you know what? It’s who I am and I won’t stop whilst their is injustice against women and girls.
    Feminism is my life and I am proud that there are young women like you who are carrying the torch onwards.
    Solidarity with you sister.

    • jellypopblogger March 6, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

      Yeah, what really gets me a lot of the time is that my parents just think feminism is a hobby of mine, and i am like NO! IT’S WHAT HELPS ME GET ANGRY INSTEAD OF SAD! GONNA CHANGE THIS WORLD, MUM AND DAD! reading over this though, i am feeling melodrama seeping out of every sentence but it’s also how i feel. urgh. Thanks for support because i can’t get enough of seeing that others are getting angry too.

  3. Louise Pennington March 6, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    Huge hugs here too. You are an amazing and inspiring feminist. The anger can be healthy. It just needs to be channeled. And, darling, you have channeled your anger into some seriously passionate feminist activism.

    Solidarity and Sisterhood x

  4. bloggingdame March 6, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

    Not sure how I can respond without sounding patronising…but…know this; those things that make you angry are real, they are hard to cope with and your feelings are real and justified. You mustn’t feel like you should somehow apologise for this-life IS hard and doubly so as a woman.

    To have such selfawareness at your stage in life is inspiring and I’m confident that all those amazing things you set out to achieve-you will and then some. Keep being angry, keep being passionate, keep writing. You’re not alone. Thank you for sharing, Catx

    • Cassy March 7, 2013 at 1:28 pm #

      Completely agreed!

  5. lolliclarke March 7, 2013 at 5:29 pm #

    I find it helps to break things. Stay strong babe!;)))x

    • Cassy March 7, 2013 at 5:45 pm #

      Yes, stay strong Jelly!<3

  6. The Goldfish March 8, 2013 at 12:14 pm #

    It gets better, it really does. As you get older, you’re going to be taken more seriously by the people around you and you’re going to be able to surround yourself with more people who see the world in similar ways. I hope life gets easier for you soon.

    If you are self-harming, please take some steps to protect yourself. You don’t deserve to be hurt in anyway. As well as improvements in my life circumstances, things that helped me stop included

    (a) using a red felt-tip pen to draw on myself where I might otherwise cut myself.
    (b) putting ice cubes against my skin to provide a smarting sensation without causing any injury.
    (c) devising other rituals around being kind to myself. E.g. having a cup of tea and a single square of very dark chocolate, almost as if this was medicine for the tension.

    I would also strongly recommend that if there is an adult you can talk to about that stuff, you talk to them. There are organisations like the Samaritans where you can talk through stuff on the phone or even on-line without being judged and without any prospect of involvement with parents or teachers. Looking after yourself is radical activism, it is part of the puzzle you are trying to work through. Please take care. You’re very much worth the trouble.

  7. jellypopblogger March 10, 2013 at 11:30 am #

    Thank you thank you everyone! This flood of loveliness really makes me feel better. It’s just that sometimes I feel like breaking things (namely, my little sister when she calls me a slut for dressing strangely, my mum when she tells me that rape is the victim’s fault, my stupid teacher when he tells me that the pay gap is a coincidence) but to do this would be to show that I am failing in my duty to keep the family together. My mum has placed enormous pressure on me to be the ‘sane’ one and I feel that if I fall apart then I will have failed. It’s silly, but I have to do something to make sure everyone else doesn’t fall apart.

  8. stitchscience March 14, 2013 at 12:04 am #

    12 years ago I felt exactly the same way. I was a raging ball of teenage fire and brimstone. I am glad that I was, the insights I gained from that time are partially responsible for who I am now and the backbone I have. I am an only child and I had the same pressure to be the sane one but I broke the mold and choose my version of sanity. You have every right to be angry because there is plenty to be angry about. It gets easier in a way as you get older, you are given more weight with age. Channel the anger, use it to push boundaries and thought further. You are talented and wonderful, remember that and hold onto it through the anger. You will make a difference.

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