Tag Archives: angst

Capitalism, can you not.

11 Sep

A bit of a rant about capitalism from Lilipop. I didn’t even spell check so sorry for mistake and I would just like to emphasise this is not meant to make any sense!

I don’t even think I can fucking live in a capitalist society any more. My entire worth, the only thing that is valuable about a person is their earning potential. FUCKING PRIVITISATION. Our system is being Americanised faster than anyone realises but WHY. Its not like the American system is working in America, more children are living on or below the poverty line each year, politians think that’s its fine and dandy to leave people starving on the streets (“They have the choice of paying for their own houses food and medical care” go fuck yourself) social mobility is a fucking joke. We have this idea in the UK of the US as a shining golden meritocracy lolz no. Privatisation just means more and more and more and more money stagnating at the top 0.01% of the super rich elite. Productivity is soaring, record highs, however wages are plummeting in real terms! I don’t even know if I believe in wage labour and to be honest I don’t really know that much about all the socialist communist anarchist stuff but I know that when it is even a debatable topic for people to not have basic food and housing THERE IS A FUCKING PROBLEM. I just don’t understand, I really really don’t. HOW WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY do people think that it is acceptable for people in as developed countries as the UK and US to not have medical care? Oh and another thing. People, they are privatising our legal system. This means we are just going to have some kind of factory justice system. People wont get to choose who represents them in court and as legal aid is being slashed to a REDICULOUS degree a lot of the time people wont have any legal aid. And again, people are living without medical care and it is somehow a debatable topic???

This is in no way comprehensible and I am not an expert on any of this but I don’t think I can deal for another minute without crying so this.

Glitter and unicorns and beautiful girls

11 May

(Tw: self harm)

Jelly speaking.

I’ve tapped out a message to my older sister many a time, but been too cowardly to send it.

‘Big sister, today I went to my first counseling session at my school for my self-harm and my sorta depression. I got a boyfriend, almost accidentally. I keep on freaking out about nothing at all and this Monday I have my first GCSE exam and it feels like I’m growing up. I miss you, lots, and I want you to be home so you can be annoyed with our family and let me watch illegally streamed movies on your bed, and we can share secret and world-weary head shakes behind our mothers back.’

I never sent it and I probably never will. It’s much easier to talk on the internet because then I can imagine people’s reactions instead of seeing play out in real time; imagine sympathy and understanding smiles instead of disgust at my innermost thoughts spilled out messy in jumbled sound.

My big sister is amazing. She is strong and beautiful and incredibly clever, she smokes hand-rolled cigarettes dressed in Vivienne Westwood wellies, her hair is short and her eyeliner flicks are long. I idolise her. She is the jewel of my family, the one who turned out right and who is going to Cambridge to be intelligent with her friends and to change the world. She doesn’t particularly like her family, but that’s okay, I understand that, we’re not really worthy of someone like this to dwell in our humble abode.

I think she’s perfect, but she comes from our little fucked up family kingdom – of course she’s not. She bears the brand of dysfunctionality and 10 years of being told she’s good enough to take on the world when she can’t quite tell if they are lying or not. She drinks too much, smokes too much, loves too much and works too hard. Her waist is slim and her make-up is smudged, and one day her laugh won’t be enough to get her out of trouble.

She may be my favourite sister. I can’t tell, because the age gap between us (8 years and 6 of them spent in a boarding school in Sussex) sometimes makes conversation difficult. I can tell when her laugh is stilted and awkward and when the constant checking of her phone means she really has to go before she kills someone. I have the feeling I know her much better than she knows me.

But that’s okay. I feel privileged even to know this glittery star from afar, let alone have her in my house.

I just wish that I could tell her things that I haven’t told anyone else, and that I could send that message, and that she would tell me things too.

Creativity Week: Micky

12 Mar

Today our guest is Micky! Micky (A.K.A LeXachima on YouTube) makes some amazing music videos which she publishes on YouTube. She has very kindly agreed to share them with us so check her out and subscribe to her channel if you have a YouTube account!

Hey, my name is Micky (Michaela) and I am 15 years old! I love metal and rock music and spend most of my time playing my guitar, videogames or making videos. I have been making videos for a long time but only recently just started putting them online. Most of the videos I create will feature my brother and sister or friends and family of mine. They usually all have a deeper message and hidden meanings because I like to express my innermost thoughts through these videos :3 Also I love Amy Lee and not Mia.

It would be great if you gals could comment on these posts, your opinions and maybe some suggestion or submitions (for another creativity week or for another themed week altogether!). If you want to get in contact with us or any of our lovely creative guests then email Jellypop at jelly.pop@live.co.uk or for more contact information go to the Contact Us page.

I’ve got a lot of things to say

5 Mar

Sometimes – a lot of the time – I am angry. I am angry at a lot of things.

I am angry about my almost constant, inexplicable headaches that don’t respond to painkillers and make my vision blurry and painful and my brain slosh in my head.

I am angry about my sister, her bullies and her bullying, her parroting of views taken from people stupider than her and the fact that she just – can’t – get it.

I am often very angry about my parents: my patronising, boring dad with his dysfunctional kingdom of three and my nervous, submissive mum with her backward views and one-track mind.

Angry at people who look at me sideways in the street for what I am wearing, at everyone who has ever told me I am nothing special, at the patriarchy in general and at the group of men that whistled at me when I was walking home in specific, at my friends for not being as angry as me, angry, fucking angry at everything that is wrong and could be better.

Sometimes I sit in my wardrobe and think about this and clench my fists or my voice breaks with it in the middle of a completely unrelated sentence, or I write swear words in Sharpie on my wall because nothing else seems to show it, the absolute fuckery of shit fuck cunt bitch fuckfuckfuck.

The thing is, I am a teenager, and a teenage girl at that, so these sort of feelings are not encouraged. MY reputation as an angsty, worked up melodramatic girl precedes me, especially as I, unlike the rest of my family, restrict my drama to my room and myself. *pointed staring*. My little sister sits on my bed and tells me “not to be a teenager” whenever I stay in my room and listen to loud music, cry, turn up with suspicious scars on my arms and back, swear, get into arguments, wear make-up or strange clothes, express an interest in important political issues or quaint notions such as feminism, or do anything that could possibly let off a bit of steam in this boiling head of mine.

I am 90% sure this is angst. But the thing is, as my uncle so eloquently said, teenage angst doesn’t go away. It just turns into adult angst, which is compounded by problems such as jobs and doing your own laundry and having less time to cry on other people’s shoulders.

It just seems like a waste, really, to lose this, passion, for lack of a better word, that comes with growing up. In my better moments I feel that the fact that I care could be used for something; to change a life, to save the world, to love someone and see it not go to waste. I need to stay angry, otherwise I will be sad.  And I can’t let that happen, can I, nopt when the world is going to pieces.

OKAY I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW EVERYTHING I WRITE TURNS TO ANGST MAYBE IT’S A SUPER POWER OR SOMETHING BUT ENJOY? IF THAT’S THE RIGHT WORD FOR THIS PIECE OF SHIT? I AM QUITE AHEM ANGRY AT THE MOMENT AS YOU CAN SEE AND A LOT OF THINGS APPEAR TO BE SHITTY BUT I FEEL THE ONLY WAY TO STAY ON TOP IS TO TURN WHAT COULD BE A BAD DAY INTO A DAY WORTH HULKING OUT ON

NOT EVEN SURE WHAT I AM SAYING HERE OKAY BYE

JELLY OUT

i love you all

 

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